Monday, March 28, 2011

Film - Best Worst Moments (Accents Edition No.4) - Breakfast At Tiffany's - Mr.Yunioshi Needs His Rest


Best Worst Scenes (Accents No.4) - Mickey Rooney attempts to start WWIII in Breakfast At Tiffany's

Guilty Party - Mickey Rooney.


Worst ever accent? I think so.

Firm evidence favouring the theory that a film can become famous for nothing more then a poster or single image, Breakfast At Tiffany's is one of the most over-exposed films in history. While not a bad film, how many people can quote the razor sharp dialogue? How many people know the ridiculous, spiraling plot? Now how many of you know someone who owns a poster of Audrey Hepburn staring at you cheekily across a table, cigarette taper in one velvet gloved hand? Thought so.
It's ironic because the film should be know for an entirely different image.


Is He Playing An Oriental Bugs Bunny?

As Mr.Yunioshi, Holly's (Audrey Hepburn) Japanese landlord, Mickey Rooney gave what many consider to be one of the most racist performances of all time. Even back in the far less PC world of 1961 many reviewers had a hard time describing
Breakfast At Tiffany's depiction of Japanese people
, A.H Weiler of The New York Times calling it "broadly exotic". A better term might have been horribly misguided and cringe-inducingly offensive. See for yourself. If other scenes in this list have been funny, this scene is more likely to induce shock and horror. Mr.Yunioshi's speech is underlined to make it easier to tell apart from the other characters.

Mr.Yunioshi : Wwwaah...Ohhhh woo... Wat-Ick-Ka... Wooo SignEE... YAHHHH Yeee eooooo... Ehhh...ehhh GAH!... Unnnn Uhhhhhnnnnn gah..wuoh....ohhhh mesa goo wight whay.goooo gahhh sayy woooo... soomme dai, somme daiiii mesa go wight whay

Cid : What happened to you anyway? You take off to the powder room and that's the last I see of you.

Holly : Now really Harry...

Cid : Harry was the other guy. I'm Cid, Cid Arbooke, you like me remember?

Mr.Yunioshi : MISSA GO LIGHT-LAY!! EIYE PWOTAAASTE!

Holly : Oh darling I am sorry but I lost my key.

Mr.Yunioshi : Boat dat-sha-whasha toe wheeks ag-go, y-E-oua canna go-onnah O kep ringaa ma bwell. y-E-oua distwerbba me. y-E-oua musht hava khey meade!

Holly : But it won't do any good I'd just lose them all.

Cid : Oh come on baby, you like me, you know you do!

Holly : I worship you Mr.Arbooke but good night Mr.Arbooke!

Cid : Oh wait but baby wait a minute! What is this? You like me I'm a lice (?!) guy! You like me baby you know you do! Didn't I pick up the cheque for five people, your friends I never seen em before and when you asked for a little change for the powder room what do I give you? A fifty dollar bill, now doesn't that give me some rights?

Mr.Yunioshi : EH THUTHY SWECOND I GWO CALLA DEH PWOLLESHE! AWWAH DEH TWIME WISHA DISH-TURBA, EIYE CANNA NAH SWHEEP. I GWAT TWO-GESH-MIA WHEST I'M AH AWTIST! EH GWANNA CWOLLAFRY SWAG ORN EWE!!

Holly : Don't be angry you dear little man I won't do it again. If you promise not to be angry I might let you take those pictures we mentioned.

Mr.Yunioshi : Whha-eean?

Holly : Sometime

Mr.Yunioshi : H-any twaime...

Holly : Good-night.

If you think the picture and text was bad, wait until you get a load of this... If
there are any problems with the viewer below, there is an external link here.


video

Thats the most racist and also worst accent out of the way, now for some sad news. I'm afraid that due to an insane summer ahead I shall be taking a long break from the blog. I hope to be back by September but it may take longer then that. I am so sorry for this gap but trust me, when I return we shall pick up right where we left off! Til then!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Film - Best Worst Moments (Accents Edition No.3) - The Room - Johnny Doth Protest Too Much


Best Worst Scenes (Accents) No.3 - Johnny is being torn apart by accusations in The Room

Guilty Parties - Tommy Wiseau (But also that skank Lisa).



Part 3 of our list at Ranticular of the best worst accents is the most recent and arguably the most famous. The Room has become a cult phenomenon since it's release in 2003. Widely regarded (not entirely without merit) as being one of the worst films of all time, it suffers from an awful script, numerous pointless scenes and some spectacularly bad acting. Every character on that poster has a line or moment that would be priceless in any other film. Their powers combined, the resulting film is insanely enjoyable.

A major part of what makes the film work is Tommy Wiseau, script-writer, director, lead actor (playing main character Mark) and winner of the John Romero outstanding male hair award. It is worth noting that Tommy is not trying to play his character with an accent but simply uses his regular speaking voice. It is hilarious. As you will see Johnny can't speak English without sounding like Pepe Le Pew after an all night whiskey bender. I couldn't ignore his performance because his bizarre speech pattern and slurred words add so much comedy to an already inane and amusing production.

Poor Tommy also can't act so when you let him try to convey emotions... I'll let this scene segment speak for itself. His character Johnny discovers his girlfriend Lisa has been lying about him and comes out on the rooftop to vent, meeting his friend Mark up there. Firstly here is the scene transcribed as it sounds in The Room. Johnny's lines are underlined to highlight them. I respect that some of you will call this cheating as this is an actors accent as opposed to a characters. Pity I don't care.

Johnny : Aye did naht Hitler, iz nah't thru. Izz Bowlsheet. I de-add Naht Heat Hur. I dee-addd Naaaaht. Oh Hai Muark.

Mark : Oh hey Johnny. What's up?

Johnny : Ey-e av ah problemm wit Le-iza, she say'd det I heat hur.

Mark : What?! Well, did you?

Johnny : Nooo iz nah thru donin evan h-ask! Whaz nehw wid hugh?

Mark : Well I'm just sitting up here thinking you know?

Mark seems remarkably calm considering his friend is obviously on some powerful horse tranquilizers and can barely speak. Check out the scene here and before you laugh at poor Johnny's pain... call a friend over. That way you can both laugh. If there are any problems with the viewer below, there is an external link here.

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See you tomorrow at 4pm for more high-larious accents, til then!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Film - Best Worst Moments (Accents Edition No.2) - Bram Stokers Dracula - Jonathan's Train Monologue


Best Worst Scenes (Accents) No.2 - Jonathan doesn't know English/Geography in B.S Dracula (hee hee...)

Guilty Parties - Keanu Reeves




When Francis Ford Coppola sets out to make an epic, gothic, love (-ic?) tale based on Bram Stokers Dracula, you'd expect that casting would be priority number one, even over his documented rampant cocaine consumption. Sadly, that ain't the case here. While there is a lot to love in this film (Gary Oldman is great, the central love-story is actually rather moving) the film falls apart when some of the ensemble are expected to act or even open their mouths.

Winona Ryder (as Mina Murray) may sound pretty silly, think English by way of a cyborg-Canadian. But Keanu Reeves (as Jonathan Harker) seems to struggle to speak in his native stoner accent. Asking him to speak as a well-educated turn of the century Englishman... Well thats just insane. Remember, this guy is the One (sneaky Matrix joke!) expected to stand up to and ultimately defeat Dracula.



We Need Nuns. Lots of Nuns.

Earlier in the film, when Johathan is the only character we have been introduced to, it is impossible not to notice that you are listening not to the character Jonathan Harker but to Keanu Reeves, an actor who until now had catchphrases consisting of the words "Dude" and "Bogus". Keanu's deliver is stunningly broken. Aside from almost certainly never having heard an actual English person speak out loud before, his approximation of an English accent gets overheated easily and needs cool-down periods mid-sentance. Mind you, even speaking with a measured flow wouldn't make this insipid accent sound any more natural then a Jamaican Darth Vader.

Jonathan Harker (Voice-Over) : Twenty fwifty Mhay, Byyyyyudapest. Left... Byyyyyudapest uhhh-ly this mwaoning. Thee... impwession I haid... whash the-at we whar leafing the wah-est... und intering thu EEEhh-ast.
Tee dick-strict I (h)am to eeenta... is in thu huuuuxtreme Ehh-ust of thu country... just on the buuuuorders of thhhhree sta-hates, Tran-sal-vaniha, Mol-oh-via hand Buke--oav-ina, in thu mhidstd of thu Car-p--hate-ian Mooo-unthains... wan of thu whildist und lu-heast knownh phort-owns uf Eur-up.

Firstly, where the fuck is Byyyyyyudapest? That is not a place. There is no place on Earth called Byyyyyyyudpest. Secondly, what is with the seemingly random stressing of vowel sounds everywhere? Thirdly, Keanu's "uh uh spageteeos" face at 1.45minutes. Fear or digestive problems? Fourthly, he sounds dreadful. Like I mean shockingly, appallingly dreadful. Is he deaf? Is Francis Ford Coppola? Lastly, STOP SNEERING! Every second line he lifts his lip like Mr.Ed the horse, stop it! (Sorry, I hate annoying micro-movements...). Though Gary Oldman (what a legend) does somewhat redeem things with one hell of an evil Dracula laugh at 2.02minutes.

The following video is a collection of early moments of accent attack with the train speech starting at 0.55seconds. If the video isn't working, you can find an external link by clicking here.


video


Oh and as a bonus clip, the single worst delivery of the entire film and Keanu Reeves testimony to how talent and success may not have any correlation whatsoever!


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See you for the next one on our list at 4pm on Sunday due to my own inept time-keeping, til then!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Film - Best Worst Moments (Accents Edition No.1) - Street Fighter - Guile's Speech


Hey all!

Time for something a little different. As many of you know, I'm a huge fan of dreadful cinema. Few things cheers me up like watching Steven Segal pretend he can still fight nowadays when he resembles a glazed ham and nothing balances my karma like watching Shaquille O'Neill act exclusively with his teeth and giant bald head. Bad movies are just good movies in cunning disguises, once you figure them out a whole world of campy delights is yours!

As I've been watching a lot of awful films lately, I've noticed language is the first great barrier for many actors. Accents can under-mine performances, ruin otherwise solid dialogue and sometimes make a bad movie into a stone-cold classic of mumbled phonetics and mis-pronunciation. Over the next few days I'm running the first of my series of Best Worst scenes, the accent edition. If people like these I may do more again in the future. In the meantime, here's No.1, an updated version of a scene I reviewed on my last website, for all the old fans. Which is to say Sally (BFF etc). Anyhow, enjoy!

Best Worst Scenes (Accents Edition) No.1 -
Guile defies orders in Street Fighter : The Movie

Guilty Party - Jean Claude Van Damme.


Street Fighter : The Movie is a comedic gem. From M Bison (Raul Julia) eating all the scenery and shitting plaster (R.I.P you magnificent bastard) to some genuinely funny moments involving Zangief (Andrew Bryniarski) and Dee Jay (Miguel A. Nunez Jr.), be it casually rolling their eyes at their bosses insane statements or bemoaning their non-payment in the most goofy way possible.

While Raul Julia is the over-all highlight of this film, the stand-out scene firmly belongs to Jean Cluade Van Damme and his portrayal of Colonel Guile (formerly Major Guile in the games). Playing one of the most all-American characters in any game, would you cast a man notorious for his poor English and incredibly thick Belgium accent? Still, when he isn't breaking up cage matches with a tank or pointlessly chilling out in a body bag (seriously) Guile is raising the troops spirits with some hilarious dialogue. Case in point, Guiles inspiration speech to his troops upon being told that the war is over and Bison has won. Here is a transcription of the speech, accent intact, to give you some idea of why I'm pretty sure the troops cheer at the end out of confusion...

Guile (takes podium, looks somberly at his troops) : True purrs, I jury-sieved new ore-ders.
Hour superiors s-hay de whoar eis can-selled; weekend all go hom.
Bye-sun eis gidding pay uff for heez crimes, and are frense who half dyed hair will half dyed fa nathing.
Bud, weekend all go hom. Mean while, I deers like piss, free dumb, and just-dis: dey get pecked up.
Bud, weekend all go hom. Whale, I'm nut goin home. I'm gonna get on my bh-oat, and I'm going up ree-ver, and I'm going to KE-ICK... dat sunufa bitch Bison's ass so HORDE... dat de necks Bison wallaby as gunna fill et.
No who ones to go hum, and who whants to go whiff me!

Witness the scene in all it's glory here (his speech starts at 1.28mins into the video). For added point's, you have got to love the snobby British guy who seems positively uplifted by his side's surrender. Jolly good show. But before you watch it, I must warn you. You may loss your balls. If there are any problems with the viewer below, there is an external link, just click here.

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See you tomorrow at 4pm for the next thrilling installment, til then!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Film Review - Battle: Los Angeles



Hey All. Or rather, Hoo-rah!

That's right, I'm reviewing the current critical bomb and box-office smash Battle: Los Angeles. So what's the odds that a big snotty wanker like me is going to hate this?

No sir, l'm here today to honour the brave men of 1st Company Cliché, the bravest marines Aaron Eckhart has ever known, especially Private 8 Year-Old Boy, Corporal Cannon-Fodder and Lieutenant Ethnic Minority. From their mixed racial backgrounds to the mandatory one gay porn-star mustache per platoon, these soldiers bravely bore the burden of simultaneously battling all that was gloriously OTT from Black Hawk Down, Starship Trooper and Cloverfield. As I said before, Hoo-rah!


So Awesome, RATM Wrote About It 11 Years Before It Happened

Staff Sargent Michael Nantz (Arron Eckhart) is our protagonist, the lone survivor of a suicidal operation in Iraq that saw his old squad wiped out. As he will repeatedly point out to us in a fashion most emo, they were the bravest Marines he had ever known. On the eve of his retirement some thoughtless aliens come along to ruin his party. Also, to kill us all and take our water. Thus he must go once more into the breach, assisting newly graduated Lieutenant Martinez (Roman Rodriguez, in what I assume is a slight homage to Aliens) and his squad of war movie favourites including angry black guy with issues regarding Nantz, white virgin rookie who looks worried/constipated a lot and hard-as-nails female pilot Santos (Michelle Rodriguez, fresh off her piloting tour of Planet Pandora)

So while the set-up is uninspired, the rest of the movie is so tongue-in-cheek that it probably caused director Jonathan Liebesman permanent disfiguration. Whether it's the soldiers stopping their slow and totally exposed advance up a dusty street to LOUDLY play with a dog, a helicopter refusing to take children because it's already full of barely-injured Marines or several of the most hilariously "dramatic" speeches since former president George Bush, this film is a hoot. Its silly to the point of borderline nonsensical at times and over-flowing with wounded American self-importance and pride. It's the kind of film where every problem can be over-come with a rousing Marine Corp chorus of "Retreat? Hell No! Retreat? Hell No!" Those points are not criticism, rather selling points for Battle : Los Angeles, one of the funniest alien invasion films ever. Even if it doesn't seem to realise it half the time.


Semper Fi? Semper Fun!

Even if the plot is predictable (the biggest shock being some of the minority characters actually survive) the effects are at least passable. Some, such as the flying drones, look like cheap green-screen effects. Others, such as the first landing and the aliens squadrons forming on rooftops look excellent. Overall the effects do their job pretty well and even if the cracks appear at times it only adds to the silly fun. Sometimes the film's effects can be quite original, with an interesting steam-punk alien motif and a (vaguely anime) Walker-Tank stand-off being one of my favourite moments of the film.

The acting is solid and the cast manage to deliver their lines without rolling their eyes or winking directly at the camera. Aaron Eckhart shows that he can solidly head whatever kind of film he damn well pleases, making his character compelling even when he should be pointed and laughed at. The other characters are developed enough so that we care if they die but not so much that we will recall it ten minutes later. The aliens on the other hand are not developed in the slightest and only serve as a guilt-free exercise in slaughter for the American Army, who were probably dying for a real challenge after years of bombing third world countries anyhow.


Nope, No Terrorists Here

One interesting thing about Battle : Los Angeles is it's non-stop action. After the fighting starts there are very few breaks in an almost 2 hour running time. While numbness does set in later in the film, I was impressed at how immersed the audience gets in the fighting, which is mostly done in a hand-held, quasi-POV (point of view) style, giving the film the Cloverfield feel I mentioned earlier. The intensity this generates keeps the film from ever feeling too tired and generates a lot of the entertainment, even if it is of the mostly brain-dead variety. This has the knock-on effect of making this entire film feel like the audience is inside a computer game at times.


HAXXX! "Pew Pew Pew". Lol, N00bs.

So while a film that includes making a little boy an honorary Marine (and of course pointing out how he is the bravest Marine Aaron Eckhart has ever known) should be given an awful score, I can't lie and pretend I didn't have a great time watching it. Is it dumb? Yes. Is it hammy? Yes. Is it more enjoyable then so much of the crap I typically end up seeing in the cinema? Hoo-rah! It certainly isn't smart or life changing, just simple, easy to digest entertainment. So consider the score below to be a recommendation for anyone who thought Starship Trooper was insanely enjoyable and not just in a false patriotism kind of way. 


Otherwise, just give it a two out of five and go see The King's Speech again instead.

Rating : 4 out of 5 - Regretful Alien Bastards, "Who Regret Coming To Earth, Regret Invading And Regret Getting Their Asses Kicked By The Marine Corp. (Hoo-Rah!)"

See If You Like : Starship Trooper, The Term "Hoo-Rah", Amazing Advertising Campaigns (Seriously, The Trailers And Posters For This Are As Note-Worthy As The Film Itself).

Til next time!